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So I don’t know shit about Christian Serratos but I really want to fuck her. And not the kind of love making that takes hours but more of the Mr-Nasty up against the wall how’s your father fucking you wish you could do with Megan Fox. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Megs, and she loves me but Christian Serratos is now #2 on the ass hit list. I am going to have to organize a threesome with Megs and Chris here soon, I’ll let you all know how that goes.

Regarding PETA, you are a worthless organization. Let me take that back. The skimpy photos you are able to pull out of your asses are worthwhile. I would change my mind if you wanted to buy a few bushels of advertising from us.  You’ve got the number.

VirtualPimp, so I know I’m not as lucky as you and get to actually bone Megan Fox or have her on speed dial but I found this and had to send it over. What’s up with this guy Nasty? He’s scamming on you bitch dog. – Toby

A Boy Looking For a Girls Love by Atta

Megan, you mean everything to me.
I don´t know what I´m feeling about you,
maybe It´s the magic of love,
because when I see your face my heart´s starts to beat more quickly and when I hear your voice I feel like crying,
just too hear your voice would make my day a whole lot better.
Your beauty is unimaginable,
many have tried to be like you,
many have failed and there´s no other girl that can be like you.
When I´m feeling down it is you who´s reaching out for me again.
My dream is too know you someday and when I do,
I´ll kiss you has many times you would like.
It was in the Winter, my love,
that we loved each other like no one else had loved for sure.
And so I wrote you these words down for you to remember why I love you.

Toby, as fate would have it Megan, or Megs as I call her, is simply a hot piece of ass. There is nothing wrong with her what so ever, not a single flaw on or in her body. The only flaw Megs would ever have in her is my Greg and whatever my Greg spits into her when we’re finished and even that is momentarily. I see stuff like this all of the time and frankly it is flattering. I love getting to bag Megs, and she loves bagging me. That is love, the rest well as they say is bush league.

Oh, and isn’t there more important news going on right now? Like Military folk killing each other? Oh and by the way, whatever you hear on the news about htis, did not happen. It’s called disinformation. You read it here first, my gut is telling me this is the first of many more Waco-like events happening in our future. *queue in spooky music*

[1]

TLC slaps Jon Gosselin with lawsuit
The TLC network has sued Jon Gosselin for allegedly breaching his contract as a star of the hit reality show “Jon & Kate Plus 8.”The lawsuit, filed Friday in the Circuit Court of Montgomery County, Md., alleges that Gosselin has failed to meet his obligations as an exclusive employee of the network, while appearing on rival networks’ programs for pay and making unauthorized public disclosures about the show.

Fuck me, am I the only person alive that doesn’t give a fuck about the Gosselin Family? I mean who fucking cares? They had 8 kids, she’s a bitch, he’s a hookers wet dream. TLC, your network fucking sucks.

Goldman Sachs $700,000+ Bonuses
For Goldman employees, it is almost as if the financial crisis never happened. Only months after paying back billions of taxpayer dollars, Goldman Sachs is on pace to pay annual bonuses that will rival the record payouts that it made in 2007, at the height of the bubble. In the last nine months, the bank set aside about $16.7 billion for compensation — on track to pay each of its 31,700 employees close to $700,000 this year. Top producers are expecting multimillion-dollar paydays.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? How about the rest of America mans-up with me and creates the largest class action law suit ever seen for stealing taxpayers hard earned money? You saw it here first. I mean come on, even if we won it’s not like they won’t get bailed out again.

Jennifer Aniston Drunk Dail
Jennifer Aniston drunk-dialed Brad Pitt, and got the shock of her life when Angelina Jolie answered. Jen was home alone in her sprawling Beverly Hills mansion in late September when she dialed Brad after downing a few glasses of white wine. When Jen heard Angie’s voice, she freaked out.” Flustered, Jen launched into a blistering attack on Angelina, said the insider. “Jen basically told Angie that she hated her, but Angelina fired back!”

Unless the story involves Jennifer and Angelina fucking each others orifices, I don’t want to hear this shit again. I don’t’ care which orifice, an ear hole with a tongue or even elbow would be fine.

Megan Fox Killed Early In Transformers 3
While Megan has been signed on for the third film, the rumor going around is that she will not last that long.  What that means for Shia LaBeouf and his love interest for the movie remains to be seen. If Mikaela Banes was killed early in Transformers 3, I think that the flow of the film could be all thrown out of wack. What do you think about the rumor, and who do you think could fill the love interest role that Megan currently has in the films if she is killed off?

So I’ve been getting massive emails coming in about my girlfriend fuck buddy Megan Fox and how Michael Bay has decided to kill her off in the upcoming Transformers 3. This is simply not true, at least she hasn’t said anything about it to me. It could be that I was just enjoying her giving me my hourly blow job and I could have missed it in her mumbling on my Greg.

Fun Links For That Ass:
Life’s Short, Have An Affair, yeah no shit! – worked for me, a few times!
The best resignation letter ever – they say the truth hurts
Scarface Quits His Job – who wouldn’t want to go out like this?
6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can’t Explain – the aliens made them.
WorldMingle.com – pretty cool website, and free
One Terrorist vs. Two Apache Hellfire Missles – who ya got?
The Dirty Daily – full of useless slander, good times.
South Park Episode Butters’ Buttom Bitch – in case you missed it.

Director Michael Bay announced a third “Transformers” movie will be hitting theaters on July 1, 2011 — and not 2012 as originally thought — on his web site on Thursday. And he also took the opportunity to further his war of words with his star, Megan Fox, by telling her to consult with a doctor before getting on board.

Fuck you Bay, you suck at life and your movies suck. Try slowing down the fucking camera a bit so you don’t lure your audience into a god damn epicycloid seizure in every god damn scene. You’re lucky you have Megan Fox, she made BOTH of the movies.

In this latest blog post, Bay writes, “Megan Fox, welcome back. I promise no alien robots will harm you in any way during the production of this motion picture.” He goes on to say, “Please consult your Physician when working under my direction because some side effects can occur, such as mild dizziness, intense nausea, suicidal tendencies, depression, minor chest hair growth, random internal hemorrhaging and inability to sleep. As some directors may be hazardous to your health, please consult your Doctor to determine if this is right for you.”

Megan, as your attorney I must advise you to kick Michael Bay square in the nuts. Or just plainly tell him to unzip his Vagina and let his balls hang out. He’s just jealous that I get to bone you all of the time. And probably because I don’t ever pull out.

Source

If you care, tonight was the VMA’s.  Megan Fox was really the only good thing about it. Outside of that the faggot Kayne made an ass out of himself, like usual, the hermaphrodite MANLady Gaga put on a horrid and just fucking crazy performance, and Green Day Rocked the house. Outside of that if you missed it you didn’t miss much.

WASHINGTON — One year after the near collapse of the global financial system, this much is clear: The financial world as we knew it is over, and something new is rising from its ashes. [1]

I hope its rising off of Megan Fox, because that would be yummy if it was. Megan Fox is so fucking hot – just sayn.

The first faint signs that the U.S. economy may be clawing its way back from the worst recession since the Great Depression are only now starting to appear, a year after the panic began. Similar indications are sprouting in Europe , China and Japan . [1]

Don’t believe the hype people. The fed cannot possibly keep printing money like it was me having my way with Megan Fox, at some point I’m going to just run out of places to probe her with my Greg or my Greg will just stop working because of over usage – and that my friends would be very bad.

In the emerging “new normal,” U.S. companies will have to be more competitive. They must sell into big developing markets; yet as the recent Cash for Clunkers effort underscored, the competitive hurdles are high: Foreign-owned automakers, led by Toyota , reaped the most benefit from the U.S. tax breaks for new car purchases, not GM and Chrysler. [1]

So basically, stop spending the money you don’t have on the shit you don’t need, period.  Oh and once the banks decide to close for say, a week, or two weeks, its officially over for the dollar and then you will be welcoming the new world currency. Just telling you how it will probably go down. And don’t be surprised when the Fed declares Martial Law because of a fake Flu Pandemic – just throwing it out there.

[1]

P.S. Megan Fox, I love you! Call me.

Random thoughts

• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

·        I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

This just in..

Denise Richards has the job!! What job you ask? The one where she gets to clean my balls with her tongue and the inside of my taint w/ her nose while stroking my Greg with her tits. That job. Damn Tyler, you scary and thanks for the spanktacular photos!! I digress. If you were planning on going to the memorial just make a mental note that it will not be held at Neverland Ranch (here for more details).

This also just in..

Katy Perry has a nice rack and is pretty hot (when she’s mute and not dressed like a nutjob)
Michigan Courtroom Brawl (he fought the defendant and the Law won)
6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)
And 6 Sex Myths as Explained by Science (while we’re on the topic of sex)
Meet Anya Monzikova (you’ll be glad you did)
Randy’s F*ck Tales (very funny)
The Megan Fox Sex Soundboard (beat with your left, play and hear w/ your right)

Have news? Submit it!

Not much has changed this week.. Iran is Iran, North Korea is insane. Michael Jackson is still dead and the press is sucking his dead balls off of his body for all of the media attention they can get.  Megan Fox is still unbelievable and insanely fucking hot and I want to stick my Greg in any one of her orifices. Oh the net eonline still sucks, Spencer Pratt is unfortunately still alive, and everyone seems to be wasting all of their online reporting time talking about Michael. Sigh.  Let’s hit some real news shall we?

OAS gives Honduran coup a “laughable” 3-day deadline (why is he smiling?)
Hoodrum a.k.a. Nik Richie Is Bad (he still looks a bit sandy to me)
Lindsay actually think she knows what real work is (what a dumb bitch)
Skeet skeet skeet shooting with a bow? (fucking rad)
Life is short, have an affair (free no strings silent sex?)
Megan Fox is so fucking ugly (yeah, i bet her vagina tastes like bad raspberries)
Hillary Duff’s man shoulders (this dude looks good in a bikini)
The world’s best speeches of all time (well at least on youtube, thanks ryan)
6 Things you don’t know about the Bruno Movie (did you know Bruno is gay?)

Wow what a weekend, I didn’t do shit with the site, AT ALL, the entire weekend. Sorry.. not really but maybe that will make some of you feel better. I do appreciate the consistent emails coming in from everyone letting me know that I haven’t updated in a few days. Yeah, we do what we can.

So not a whole lot happened this weekend, we just sort of hung out around the compound. I did get a chance to take the wife out to “The Hangover” which if you haven’t already seen it, go! Right now! Go see “The Hangover!“  You’ll be glad you did. I haven’t seriously haven’t laughed that hard for a very long time, at least from a movie.

So what else is going on around the globe? The College World Series kicked off on Friday, The Lakers Win by a last second jump shot, and dammit Megan Fox looks smoking at the Berlin premier of Transformers II.

Tyler says..

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE – The Hangover is the first movie of the summer to be number 1 two weeks in a row, adding 33m to its 105m total.  Up was second with 30m (187m total), and Pelham 1 2 3 opened in one two third with 25m.  Hopefully Zach Galifianakis will now be the huge star he deserves to be.  It would also be terrific if this somehow led to Kate Beckinsale letting me nail her in the ass.   (source = Variety)

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE – gave 1 million dollars to a children’s hospital in Pitts home state of Missouri.  The cancer center there will be renamed the Jane Pitt Pediatric Cancer Center, in honor of Brads mom.  And the psyche ward, specializing in obsession and paranoid delusion, will be renamed in honor of Brads ex-wife.  Zing!   (e! online)

ANNA PAQUIN – went topless on last nights episode of True Blood.  And this time I can prove it.  Not like all those times before, when I would lie about having topless pictures of Anna Paquin on True Blood to sound like a big shot. (full size NSFW version here,  slightly brighter uhq copy here)

And the week officially begins now…